Goodbye B-chan

Brownie, whom I call B-chan or B-kun or Matwa (meaning 'old' in Kapampangan, coz he was around 7+ human years) or Epi (since he used to suffer from seizures) because I disliked how unoriginal our previous housemaid named him (mom was thinking of a name for him, I was away staying in QC still, and she kept calling him Brownie so he got used to that name and it stuck), died today.

We came back from delivering and arranging flowers (for the Mother of Perpetual Help novena fiesta tomorrow) at our parish church and found him lying down on the floor of his kennel already dead.

I don't know how I should feel about my mom's decision to have him buried in our garden. In a way, it feels right; definitely better than having Kuya Noel haul off his body in a sack and throw him at some garbage dump or the like... but then, I guess I'll never look at our garden the same way ever again. Well at least he'll have a lot of flowers -_-;

I stayed and watched Kuya Noel dig up the grave and bury B-kun. Part of me kept on expecting him to stand up and turn up his nose at us like he often used to. That dog was damned proud despite his being a short and stout bowlegged mongrel. He just had that kind of air about him that was reminiscent of nobility. I often used to try talking to him and he'd just give me this haughty look, sniff, then walk away -_-; He had that kind of attitude, but was always given away by how happy he felt about seeing me by his tail.

He was deathly afraid of fireworks. He used to enter the kitchen, opening the door by himself, hiding under the work tables during New Year's Eve, and not even the sight of his favorite foods could entice him to come out from under those tables. You couldn't even pry him off his place with a crowbar. He was just that terrified. I used to sit nearby and watch him jump every time a firework exploded near the house.

So now he's gone. Wow. Just like that.

While watching his burial I kept stopping myself from crying. I wanted to cry, but I just kept looking and remembering; regretting that I didn't spend more time with him. Maybe that's what stopped me from crying: guilt. I, as a nurse, should have seen that something was wrong with him and said and done something about it. Too late now.