Okay here goes… I’m having migraines. Really huge and painful ones that start at the back of my eyes then spread until my whole head just wants to explode. My mom says I might have astigmatism; that I have to get eyeglasses. Bummer. I’ll have to wear glasses again? Darn… seriously, the prospect of wearing glasses along with that goddamned all white uniform – white shoes and white stocking added – is simply ridiculous. The very image is so NOT me. No. Not even border lining the very essence of self that I relate to, but well, it’s wear it or look for another school, which I’m not really into doing considering I’ve been there a month.

Watching CSI intimidates me. I’m only realizing now the extent of human contact I will have to go through if I go through with this path. I’m scared to hell about the prospect of helping handle somebody’s life. I can’t imagine what a doctor would feel like. Gods, I admire Bodge for wanting to be a doctor, for healing/curing/patching people up. It would take guts. Serious courage. I admire my friend for it. Myself though, although I’m terrified I also feel kind of challenged. Never mind the potential salary, never mind the fact that it’s my most probable way out of the country, I’m only starting to realize that I could actually help people with this kind of career. I’ll actually be doing something worthwhile not only to myself but also to other people as well. And right now, I think that’s what’s really keeping me going: the idea that I can actually help someone who needs help.

It just feels kinda sad that I wouldn’t be seeing much of my friends, not that I’ve been seeing much of them the past year. But at least then I had the hope at the very least that someday soon I would join them in their working lives in the big city, that at least on weekends I’d be able to get together with them and exchange gossip. I miss them terribly! I really cant relate to my classmates. They’re all so bloody young! The older ones naman are too bloody old. Nursing students’ ages at that school range from 16 (youngest) and 39 (the oldest I’ve met so far, I think there are actually students older than that). Most of my classmates are 16-18. The few 19 to 21 are somewhat aloof. I guess I’m like them. I don’t have a group. I usually go off alone during breaks. While I’m there it doesn’t really bother me except that I sometimes begin to miss my old barkada in college. Oh well… that’s that. Gotta cope. Gotta graduate.