I am deathly afraid of people’s mortality.

Ever since we visited Lola Oding at UERM I’ve been too conscious of how fragile people’s lives are. I’m not really terrified of death, it’s the idea of having to live without the people I love and care for that makes my heart feel heavy of late.

They already took Lola Oding home from the hospital; the doctors were unable to do anything for her anymore. Her cancer had spread, worsening her whole case, and she’s too weak for any more operations. Her doctors had already pronounced that her situation is hopeless. If her lungs fill up with fluid again then that’s it. It’s over. Lola stays at home now, with an attendant watching her 24/7. In effect, they’re really just waiting for her to die.

What makes me feel a lot more depressed and scared about all this is my conversation with my mother. She told me that if the same ever happens to her – if she ever suffers through a heart attack and is left a vegetable - she would rather that we just let her die and not make her suffer through pointless operations that wouldn’t help. She made me promise to tell dad and my uncles so if anything happens to her. I didn’t agree. I couldn’t. I know that if what happened to Lola Oding ever happens to either my mom or dad I’d turn the whole earth - even heaven, hell and purgatory – upside down just to look for a cure. I’d do everything I can, even if I become bankrupt, to keep them alive.

I don’t ever want to know what Tita Pes is going through whenever she sees her mother.