MMW Day 3

ECT:
I knew what to expect because I was able to observe the procedure being done several times during the second day we were there, but it was quite different to actually hold a patient down while their entire body is twitching involuntarily and violently.

It’s hardest to look at their eyes while it happens. The fear and trepidation is there even before the doctor touches their temples with the metal rods that apply the electric shock that will course through their brains. We all try to look as calm as possible, try to act confident, like this wasn’t the first time we’d be assisting in such a horrid procedure, so that the patient wouldn’t feel more scared but the fear’s already there anyway because they know what will happen next. Because, unlike us, this wasn’t their first time.

Then comes the pain. They flinch; closing their eyes so tightly like they won’t ever open them again and their whole body tenses as it enters to tonic phase; then comes the seizures and their eyes roll up in their heads while the entire body suddenly becomes so uncontrollable that you need five people to hold one person down. Then they fall asleep with their eyes open, staring up at nothing as their breath comes out like gargles or deep bubbling snores. We leave them like that, with their heads pushed to the side so they won’t aspirate their own saliva.

And all this happens within the span of a minute. One minute of pure torture and hell... and what scares me most about it was my reaction after assisting. I felt energized. I wanted to volunteer again. Wanted to see the whole process again and not just observe. I was more curious and interested than empathic. I didn’t feel their pain. I didn’t feel too horrified. I just accepted it. I feel guilty about that, somewhat. And that ambivalence about whether I really feel bad about not sympathizing more is what terrifies me.

Mt. Samat:
Afterwards we went to Mt. Samat. They’ve turned the mountain into a sort of memorial for the Bataan Death March. And there’s this humongous steel-enforced concrete cross atop the highest point of the mountain that you could see miles away as you drive along the roads of Bataan. The cross is hollow on the inside, has an elevator you can pay 10php to take you up to the cross arms where you can view the entirety of the land surrounding the mountain and if it’s a clear day, you could even see Roxas Boulevard across the sea. The view’s THAT great, but so is the wind as it buffets you and sends shivers down your spine coz it’s just so very cold and strong. A great reminder that yes, you’re atop a mountain and that beneath you, if the cross’s arms accidentally break off, will be around 300ft of air.

As most of my friends know, I HATE riding elevators. So, even though I was petrified I still went up there just to see what’s it like. The view’s really worth all the sweat and nerves. Wish I had a camera with me but then pictures just won’t suffice, as words could not. It's a truly humbling experience...