Saturday:

Whew! It’s over. Or at least I hope it is. He called, and told my mom he said goodbye to his other girl. So it’s done. He opted to stay with his family. Would it be wise now for him to tell what happened to his wife? I mean, I think the wife doesn’t have an idea he almost broke up with her. Does she deserve to know? Well, I think she does, but what good would telling her do? But wouldn’t it be worse if she found out from another source? Not like he already cheated her… well, technically he was cheating her coz he fell for another, but he said he didn’t touch that other girl, so…

Hay ewan!

***
Pissed off because a guild member got pissed off at me. Heheheh…

It does not help at all that I’m having my period while this thing happened. Hormones acting up and even little things like somebody’s pettiness bothers me to the full.

Seriously. Either I cry about it or hate the life out of that person or both.

What I do is just ignore the person. Ayokong pagpilitan ang sarili ko sa taong ayaw sa akin. Lalo na kung ayaw nya sakin kahit na wala akong ginagawang mali.

Thing about the whole deal is that it makes me wanna leave the guild. Pero I don’t want to coz I’d hate to be a quitter. And I owe the guild a /lot/. And I like most of them; they’re nice people. Except for… never mind. (Floe, don’t worry di ikaw to ^_^) I’d rather like to think that despite his/her age (notice that I don’t even wanna mention the gender…), that person could do a LOT of growing up pa. How bloody childish can you get?! Selfish git…

*sighs…* I’m ranting AND swearing again. Not good. *shakes head* Not good at all.

But the thing is, pretending that that person does not exist when I see the conversation going on with said person and another guild member on my screen is just plain shitty and somewhat futile. So I stay quiet.

Coz if truth be told, I’m just a victim of what happened. Someone asked for my help - not like I butted in their argument coz I wanted to or anything (the guy pm-ed me asking for help. I didn’t pm him giving advice unasked for. I didn’t even bloody know they were arguing when I came in for crying out loud) so I gave it. Made a small and honest mistake (sent message to wrong person), but no… that person had to take it the wrong way and get angry at me for trying to help out. All because I suggested something that could have helped the situation. And to think the suggestion was for that person’s benefit, not for the guy who asked me for help.

Better yet, instead getting increasingly pissed off at said person whiles playing my character, which immensely decreases the entertainment factor of playing the game, I’d just play another in the other server. Yes. That’s what I’ll do.

So people, in case you’re playing, look up Lingshan on the Loki server for free healing.

Yes, Lingshan’s an acolyte.

I’d be dead before I take up being an archer or a mage. Except for guild members and a few friends, I hate both jobs. Sobrang pissed off na ko sa mga sumasawsaw na walang kwentang mages at archers. Lalo na yung hihintayin ka pa nila na ikaw unang mag-attack saka sila sasawsaw tapos may gana pa silang magsabi na ako yung sawsaw! Kakapal!! Tapos mag-lo-loot pa! Bwisit! I’d be a merchant or a thief before I even think about taking up those other two jobs.

*** *** ***

Sunday:

Mom and I went to the burial of Mrs. Cecilla B. Jocson. She was 63 years old.

I didn’t know her. Well, I knew her from Church since mom had me ask her for blessing whenever we chanced to see her, but that’s all there was to it. My mom said she used to be a boarder at Mrs. Jocson’s boarding house in Moraita (sp?) during her college days. I didn’t know her personally.

So I didn’t want to go to the burial in the first place coz of that. But it was worth going coz I experienced something rather profound. At least for me it was.

You see, I normally dislike looking inside a coffin. I didn’t want to see the body inside knowing that whoever’s inside that expensive box is no longer alive. I wanted to remember the person as he or she was during his life, not what he/she looked like in death. This time though, for the first time, I looked.

I chided myself that it would be hypocritical of me not to look since the career path I’m choosing would eventually lead me to handling dead people at one time or another, so I did. As sort of a challenge to myself.

There was a picture atop the coffin of Mrs. Jocson featuring what she looked like in her younger days. She didn’t look anything like the body inside the coffin. But her body didn’t look bad. She looked like she was just sleeping. They said she died of a heart attack. Sudden and swift. Over in a few minutes. The person with her, I think it was one of her daughters, saw her stand up from a chair, take three slow steps, and then topple over… dead. It was the day after her birthday. Almost a year after her husband died.

I don’t know anyone from the family. But the whole aura of the place was light for a burial. Didn’t see anyone crying their eyes out. Not that they didn’t love the deceased, one could sense the affection they held for her, and the love. But their loss wasn’t a loss of a kind that was debilitating.

There were so many flowers, from different organizations and families that knew her. So many other guests too when we were there.

She had a good life.

And I’m envious of that.

When I die, which I hope won’t be anytime soon, I’d like my burial to be like that. I’d like to live a good life. I’d like to have a lot of people come for my funeral and know they would miss me but would and could continue with their lives. They’d remember me fondly. Cherish my memory in their hearts. And then get on with theirs.

***
Just something curious to take note of:

The light bulb at our home’s altar, the one overlooking the stairs, has been going off and on during the last two days. I woke up around 2 am the last two nights, was on my way to the bathroom when I noticed that the light was out. Then when I went out of the room again at four to get a cup of coffee downstairs, it was on.

My mom noticed it too. She had Ate change the bulb, thinking it was broken, but Ate told her the bulb was alright and was still usable. Then Mom told me she suddenly had goose bumps all over while passing by the altar today. She remembered that Tito Eddie’s - her now deceased eldest brother - birthday was coming up. Curiously, when mom said out loud that she hasn’t forgotten her brother and that she was continually praying for his soul everyday that she goes to mass, her goose bumps vanished and the light bulb at the altar got okay. I mean, it has yet to turn off by itself again at around midnight and turn itself back on.

***
Some quotes about death:

A funeral home I pass by on my way to school has this slogan that caught my eye: “Your journey to eternal life starts with us.”

"Grieve not for the dead, for the dead feel no pain... Instead, weep for the living, who heal to hurt again." --Unknown

“Your death will change nothing. But you can change something by living.”
“We struggle to live in order to die happily.”
- Genjyo Sanzo from Gensoumaden Saiyuki

"Peace is but a shadow of death,
Desperate to forget its painful past...
Though we hope for promising years
After shedding a thousand tears,
Yesterday's sorrow constantly nears
And while the moon still shines blue,
By dawn, it will turn to scarlet hue."
-- Kuja, "Final Fantasy IX"


*** *** ***

Monday:

Had another dream that I woke up from feeling like I went mountain hiking nonstop for a whole month. My whole body aches right now and I’ve a bit of a headache starting. Feels like I haven’t slept at all. But the dream was worth it.

This time, I was unsure of whether I was male or female in the dream. At one point, I was a guy, then at another, I was a girl. Didn’t seem odd; although the feeling that I was female was more prevalent than that of being a male.

Anyway, I was the younger sibling of a prince. Or at least I was connected to him and his family by birth and so people treated me like I was royalty as well.

The queen hated me, and I didn’t know exactly why; but she did hate me.

With the prince I had a love/hate relationship. I grew up with him, and we were rivals since childhood. But we were also friends.

The thing I most remember from the dream was the latter part, the scenes before I woke up.

There was some kind of revolution in the kingdom. I was hiding inside the palace, somewhere relatively safe. I was hiding not only from those revolting against the royal family, but I was also hiding from the queen and the prince.

Eventually, the prince found me. We fought. He had a sword with him and I had absolutely no weapons with me. Somehow, something unexplainable happened and I defeated him. He couldn’t take the idea that I bested him despite my lack of weaponry. He fled. Into the rioting crowds who saw him, recognized who he was, and tortured him.

I was scared. But I was more scared for him. Against my own safety, I went after him. I think I threw a hasty disguise on. I don’t remember what coz I was in a hurry. I wanted to save him. He may be my rival, but he was my also only true friend.

I came too late. He wasn’t dead. But he was dying. He had bruises all over and he was bleeding badly. I tried taking him to a doctor but he wouldn’t let me move him. He held on to my hand, then he took something from inside his shirt.

A ring.

Through the haze of blood covering his vision, he told me that he had wanted to give this ring to me.

You see, in that kingdom, the crown prince is given the right to choose his own bride. The symbol for that choice is a ring passed down through generations of crown-princes. His father, the king, gave the ring to him during his 7th birthday. The day I arrived in the palace. The day we first met. I was six. I lived in the palace since then, growing up as his companion.

And he told me, that his father told him that I was brought to the palace because our marriage had been arranged by both our fathers. His mother hated the idea because my mother was her rival. She taught him to hate me because of that. Told him that my being there would make him lose his freedom of choice. But then when we got older, he said that he had changed his mind about me.

How was I to react to that?

Here was a man I hated and loved with exact strength. My whole life revolved around him. And now he was dying.

I couldn’t cry. I didn’t cry.

I watched him die.

He was holding my hand until he was gone.

Then the queen came, along with dozens of guards. She saw me holding her dead son’s hand. I saw her point at me and scream something. The guards were coming; their faces grim.

That was when I woke up.

*** *** ***

Long post ne? Eto, dagdag pa:

Ana: I'll send you the list as soon as I get winamp. Kasi di ko alam gamitin tong player na naka-install and the filenames are somewhat obscure na di mo mage-gets kung anong kanta at sinong artist. Why ka nag-edit ng illu? Oks lang, sige lang, edit mo yan. Basta pagandahin mo, ne? Hehhe... oo nga pala, I'll try to color the kiss03 pic when another creative mood strikes me. Kasi between playing and my studies, wala na akong time for creative procrastination mwahahahah!!!

Ems: yes, yes... cute ka pa rin heheh la lang lolz Help me find a fin helm naman o?

Tin: syet! e di ang layo mo sa stage? ngak... oks lang! at least you were there, ne? musta school?

Floe: weheheh... just curious, kc sabi ni Boss Tama guy ka. Pero Floe name mo so doesn't that mean you're a girl? No offense intended. Just wanna make sure so I won't offend.

Lars: In case you actually find your way here... heheh, enjoy! This is the easiest way to find out how demented and weird I really am. Lolz ^_^ Thanks for signing my guestbook. Tag ka if u drop by.

Guido: Asan na website mo?! I wanna see our blog!

Clai: YUNG FF8 CDS KO!!!!!!!!!!!!! WAAAAAH!!!!!!!