My goly-gosh, ang sisipag niyong mag-tag lately ah! Sensya na ngayon lang nakapag-post ulit. Sobrang busy!

Hay mahihimatay na ko sa kaka-isip ng design for a mural! HELP!!!???!!! Onegaidesu? Please? My Saturday class will have to paint it this coming two weekends. We have to fill up a 16+ meter wall of a school our class was put in charge of. And yung napakagaling kong prof e ako lang naman ang inutusan na magdesign ng mural para sa wall na yun! @_@ Hindi pa enough sa kanya na ako yung ginawang treasurer ng klase at in charge sa pagkalap ng funds… dinagdagan pa nya!!! Like I said… HELP!!!

Any ideas? Main theme’s supposed to be about the environment. But apart from the usual themes with trees and stuff, what else can I put in it? WAAAAAAAAA…….

***
Guido: overalls ba yun? Malay ba. Asan na website mo? Ano na url?

Ana: Classes going okay. Busy man! What with 9 subjects this sem… hay! Musta work? Parang hinihikayat mo atang lumipat sa inyo si Emski a?

Saint: Ne, di talaga ako makakapunta kung meron man tayong Feb 14 gig. School calls. Shemay talaga to. Gomen. Any plans sides Feb 14?

Seika: You designed something na for the Illu site? Asan? San nakaupload? San ko pwedeng makita? Dali, send mo! Upload mo! Demanding ba masyado? Lolz ^^ How’s the thesis?

Sha_Ai: Aileen ikaw ba yan? Whether or not ikaw yan, HELLO!!!! *waves*

***

Yun lang muna ipo-post ko for now, gotta design that goddamned mural pa. Wala pa naman ako sa mood mag-drawing! Shetters!!!

Ingatz sa lahat! At belated Happy Chinese New Year nga pala hahahah!!! Forgot ^^0

May klase kami. Nakakainis. May test pa later. Hay. Masakit buong katawan ko and I don't feel like going. Hay. Ala pa rin akong cellphone. Pansin ko lang na ginagawa kong pang-alis ng depression at galit mga kanta ng Witch Hunter Robin at Gensoumaden Saiyuki. Ala lang. Wala na kong alam i-type.

Got this from Seika and didn’t feel like putting this on Friendster so:

THE MOST UNIQUE SURVEY YOU WILL EVER TAKE
Never mind the hair color, favorite movie, embarrassing moment questions; here's some real different ones. Highlight everything, (copy and paste) change the answers, and forward this to as many people as you can. And remember to send it back to the one who sent it to you first.

1. First Name: Fe. Yes, my nickname’s longer than my real name ok?

2. Were you named after anyone? : My Dad (Francisco) and Mom (Elsa).

3. Do you wish on stars?: yes

4. Which finger is your favourite? : Thumb. Try functioning without it, why doncha?!

5. When did you last cry? : a few days ago. It was a girl thing. Hahaha!

6. Do you like your handwriting? : hell no! If you’re forced to read it you wouldn’t like it as well.

7. What is your favorite meat? : salmon and tuna

8. Any bad habits? : eating chocolate and cheese, not necessarily together.

9. What is your most embarrassing CD: Ebichu!

10. If you were another person, would you be friends WITH you? : Sure, why not?

11. Are you a daredevil? : not really

12. Have you ever told a secret you swore not to tell?: yes, my own secret that I swore to myself that I would never tell anyone but I ended up doing so anyway. If it’s another person’s secret, then no.

13. Does looks matter? : it does.

14. Have you ever misused a word and it sounded absolutely stupid? : yes

15. Do you think there is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow? : maybe

16. Do fish have feelings? : yes.

17. Are you trendy? : nah, I’m the wear-what’s-comfortable type

18. How do you release anger? : I take a shower. Para mapalamig ng tubig ang ulo ko. That or turn up the volume of my radio and drown in the music.

19. Where are your second homes? : dati, dorm. Ngayon school lib.

20. What came first the chicken or the egg?: Who the hell cares? Point is they’re there.

21. What was your favorite toy as a child? : Barbie and Ken heheheh ^^0

22. What class in school do you think is totally useless? : none

23. What's your goal in life? : LIVE!!!

24. Have you ever been on radio or television? : nope

25. Do u keep a journal?: yep

26. Do you use sarcasm a lot?: yeah, doesn’t always get across though…

27. Have you ever been in a mosh pit? : huh?

28. What do you look for in a guy/girl? : something I cannot put into words.

29. What are your nicknames? : Fei, fe, Feifu, pufufufu, fei-chan, festers, feifunggai, fetus…

30. Would you bungee? : after I get several scientists to test if all the equipment that’ll be used would indeed hold.

31. Do you un-tie your shoes when you take them off? : No.

32. What are you worried about right now?: death

33. Do you ever wear overalls? : no

34. What's your favorite (noticed how i spelled favorite correctly) yosi? None really. I prefer not to smoke.

35. What's your favourite ice cream flavor? : mint chip

37. What is your least fav. thing in the world? : waiting, doing nothing, and being alone

38. How many wisdom teeth do you have?: none, had them taken out coz they were impacted.

39. Are you in love with anyone? : hehehe! Does Russell John Marcus count?

40. How many people have a crush on you right now? : Dunno. Don’t really care.

41. Who do you miss most right now?: my dad, my friends in Manila

May nagnakaw ng cellphone ko!

Isipin nyo, halos walang kwenta na nga ng cellphone na yun at second-hand pa dahil ibinigay lang sakin ng pinsan ko at halos lamog-lamog na sya dahil ilang beses ng nalaglag sa sahig pero mayroon pa ring nagkainteres! Hindi talaga ako makapaniwala! Pucha! Takti!

Hindi naman masakit ang loob ko sa pagkawala dahil nga bigay lang ang cellphone na iyon at halos sira pero ang problema nito’y magagastos ko ng wala sa oras ang perang naipon ko simula nang hindi na ako naglalaro ng Ragnarok. Nahihiya kasi akong magpabili sa aking dakilang mga magulang lalo na’t may salapi naman ako.

Nakakainis lang.

Marahil ay nagtataka kayo’t bigla akong nananagalog, di ba?

Ala, feel ko lang hehehe!!! Waaaaaaaaah... and here I was planning to buy Genrou a decent pair of speakers na pa naman... pucha namang buhay to oo!

I am deathly afraid of people’s mortality.

Ever since we visited Lola Oding at UERM I’ve been too conscious of how fragile people’s lives are. I’m not really terrified of death, it’s the idea of having to live without the people I love and care for that makes my heart feel heavy of late.

They already took Lola Oding home from the hospital; the doctors were unable to do anything for her anymore. Her cancer had spread, worsening her whole case, and she’s too weak for any more operations. Her doctors had already pronounced that her situation is hopeless. If her lungs fill up with fluid again then that’s it. It’s over. Lola stays at home now, with an attendant watching her 24/7. In effect, they’re really just waiting for her to die.

What makes me feel a lot more depressed and scared about all this is my conversation with my mother. She told me that if the same ever happens to her – if she ever suffers through a heart attack and is left a vegetable - she would rather that we just let her die and not make her suffer through pointless operations that wouldn’t help. She made me promise to tell dad and my uncles so if anything happens to her. I didn’t agree. I couldn’t. I know that if what happened to Lola Oding ever happens to either my mom or dad I’d turn the whole earth - even heaven, hell and purgatory – upside down just to look for a cure. I’d do everything I can, even if I become bankrupt, to keep them alive.

I don’t ever want to know what Tita Pes is going through whenever she sees her mother.

Get ready for a seriously LONG post:

January 10, 2004

I feel happy and a bit sad today.

Happy because my friend was successful in finding work (CONGRATZ ANA-NECHAN!!!); and sad because this news made me realize that those days when all of us stayed at the dorm are well and truly over.

Life is different now. The days we spent at the dorm now seem like a dream. They were wonderful days… But they’re done.

And we will never be as young as we were then.

My friends and I have all taken different paths. And however much I wish to be with them, my path is different from theirs.

I guess all I’m really trying to say with this post is that I miss you guys. Heheh, mushy ko lately no? Ewan ba! Haaaayyyy… Wala lang ^^0

***
January 12, 2004

“Life is a House” Watched this movie last night when I was trying to make heads and tails of what the hell is happening with Genrou III. Gen-chan’s obviously functioning well enough now. There are still a few bugs to get rid off, but he’s functioning well enough for me to type this. Lost a few picture files, good thing I’ve most of my files backed up by this time so the loss wasn’t as devastating as it would have been if ever… anyway, about the movie.

I decided not to change channels when I saw Hayden Christensen’s (sp?) name in the credits; got curious what his role would be since I have only seen him as Anikin Skywalker in Star Wars Episode 2. His role’s name was Sam. Sam was a dysfunctional 16 year-old junky. He came from a broken family. His dad demanded that he accompany him during the whole of summer to build a house near the sea. Sam’s dad had cancer, and the guy knew that he was about to die. He wanted to build the house so that he can leave it for Sam, his son.

I remember Sam’s father saying near the end of the film that life is like a house. And I guess he is right. Like a house, we are forced to live in our own lives. We build our lives up, alone or with other people. We collect memories like trinkets or old photos that we can dig up and show people whenever the occasion arises. We can invite people into our lives or slam the door on their faces.

Life is a house. Life is a lot of things besides being like a house though.

I’ve noticed that life had been compared to a lot of things, and yet nothing can encompass or try to symbolize the entirety of life. Maybe simply because there is nothing comparable to it.

Life has no opposite. Some say that Death is life’s opposite, but whoever it was that said that birth is the opposite of death and not life, whoever said that I would have to agree with.

***
January 14, 2004
There are two things I really really hate in this world. Waiting with nothing to do and being alone with nothing to do. Okay, make that three things coz I hate having nothing to do. This is the reason why I bring books with me anywhere and everywhere. Even inside dark movie theaters.

Anyway, just today, I was forced in a situation where I had to tolerate all three: waiting, being alone, and having absolutely nothing to do. It was pure hell. The world just felt so heavy, like everything – every sound, every movement, every vision – was pressing down on me.

I was at school during this time, and what I did was wait out the time inside the school chapel since it was the nearest building to where I was standing and the only one that had empty chairs I could sit on. Here I was feeling absolutely down, almost teary-eyed thinking that I was alone in the world when I suddenly realized that I was looking at the altar, particularly at a statue of an angel.

Then it hit me – like a whisper out of nowhere – that maybe I am not as alone as I thought. I suddenly felt this overwhelming sense of warmth envelop me. Like when my mom hugs me. Like when I am in the company of my friends. Everything then became light, and the heaviness was just gone. I still felt teary-eyed, but for an entirely different reason. So what I did was just quietly sit there. I continued to stare at the angel and the rest of the altar feeling the most wonderful sense of peace. I did not pray since my mind was a blank, but I think I remember saying thank you before I left.

***
Still here, huh? Wow, tiyaga! Just some messages left:

ANA: Like I said above, CONGRATULATIONS!!! ^____^ Goodluck sa training. I know you’ll pass the training week with flying colors! Ikaw pa?! ^^

SEIKA: Am happy you’re happy, even if it’s just about having the Sim cds ^^ We all deserve happiness. And yes, I am suffering through a melancholy/nostalgic/mushy mood. Bear with me, heheh ^^0 Goodluck sa pagbuild sa mga Sim houses ng illu cast, can’t wait to see them. Take lotsa pix of these houses, ne? Tsaka mo send sa ml, either sa dokoni (w/c is still active btw) or sa illucorp.

SAINT: Ala na ba talaga Ragnaddiction mo? Ah well, welcome to the club. One thing I can say about not being addicted to RO anymore is that mas marami-rami akong pera ngayon hahahah!!! Haba rin nung newest post mo sa blog, ok lang yan kasi tagal ka rin naman di nagpost e.

AMEREI: Thanks for dropping by again, Rain-chan! Musta na RO2 website pala? Haven’t been active sa RO2 lately coz biglaang seryosong puno ang sched ko kaya di ni hindi ako makapunta sa mga meetings. Gomen ne…

GUIDO: KUYA!!! I dunno if you still read my blog pero anyways, hello lang hahahha!!! Nauubusan na ako ng itatype. Musta na ang website mo?

KURL: Wala akong kultong mapapagsalihan sayo heheh ^^ Thanks sa text. Sensya na di ako makatext back nun, ala ako load nun.

Okay that’s it. Thinking of posting here every weekend na lang para tipid sa net time. Ja ne, minna. Text nyo na lang me kung may kailangan kayo ^^

January 9, 2004
Watched LotR Return of the King. I already knew the story from reading the novels way before the rumors of there being movies made about these books came out. I found watching immensely more satisfying than reading those three novels; mainly because the screenplay writers took out the parts that I considered extremely boring.

What made me think after watching this last installment of the trilogy is how people view the places they call home.

The hobbits in LotR were forced to travel away from the Shire. They cannot go back to their home for fear that their continued presence there would destroy it. As their adventures went on, the Shire, their home became a dream. A place their hearts continually wanted to go back to. It became a beacon of hope; that if they survive and lived on for another day, a day will eventually come that they would be able to find their way back to the Shire.

When I leave home, I don’t always feel like that. For example was when I went to study in Manila. Like the four hobbits, I had to leave home. In my case, to learn.

But unlike them, I felt a sense of freedom when I finally went. I didn’t feel homesick. I hated being cooped up in one place, doing the same things day in and day out. I felt the need to leave; to have something change, even just the scenery. I felt sweet freedom when I finally got out.

And yet there came a time, while I was still in Manila, that I yearned to go back. A yearning so strong that I finally felt the homesickness that I did not initially feel during those first few months. Returning home, I felt safe, comfortable. Being home was a freedom to be what and who I am with no criticism from anyone; where what and who I am was accepted. It is a haven. Paradise even.

What a complete turnabout of thought that was.

And yet, my being gone from home changed it. Being away from a place for a long time, then finally coming back changes one’s view of said place. I saw my home as smaller, too peaceful. It was, and is still continually, a haven for me, yes. But even though I stay here once again, I know that a day will come that I will need to go again and leave home. Maybe for good. Maybe not. Maybe by that time I would have found a new place to call home.

***
January 10, 2004
Today is my parent’s silver anniversary… and I didn’t even have a clue that it was! I thought their silver anniv is still next year. Ah well, my bad. Mom isn’t big on celebrations so we’ll just go to mass and give thanks. That and cook spag or pancit. Which ever is available, I guess ^^0 Like I said, mom’s not big on celebrations. She said she grew up that way. My maternal grandparents never made a big deal of celebrating their children’s birthdays so my mom got that from them too. I guess I kinda got it too from my mom.

Just woke up. Had another dream about killing someone with a knife. A cutter this time, actually. She was supposedly a professor at a school I was going to, I don’t know her in real life though. I think she resented me for something, I don’t remember what happened earlier in the dream, except the end part where I came back to school to report to the principal after having stayed in the hospital for several weeks. When I went to the principal’s office the professor was there with the intention of doing me in, so what I did was grab a cutter from her own desk and stabbed her before she could me. She just smiled down on me then cut at my throat. That’s when I woke up.

Then to get the dream out of my mind, I read the I'll Be fics. Have to admit to feeling queasy reading them, not because of what teh fics were about, but more on because I felt like I was intruding on those two somehow… It was a private moment and I felt this overwhelming sense of wanting to respect their privacy so I didn’t particularly feel like being a witness to it. Yes, the illu characters had apparently taken on a life of their own inside my head and I now think of them as real people I know. To think that I was texting An-neechan about Illu one time when one of my rather nosy classmates read what I was texting and the nosy idiot thought we were talking about a real person! Sir Tanglao-Aguas was absolutely right about everything he said about playwriting and character development. Yelords…

First off…

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!!

***

Just some ramblings:

We are neighbors with my mom’s older brother’s family. This situation is normally a good thing except, that is, when their house help goes home for several days. Then we have to serve them. As in literally. My mom does the grocery, plans meals, and cooks for them. Ate Lene dusts around their house and sets their table for each meal. Nang Ising does the laundry. I clean the dishes and do some of the errands.

I don’t usually mind helping out. I know why my aunt couldn’t perform the tasks I listed down as she’s physically unable to tolerate dust and harsh soaps, but what I sometimes resent and still wonder about is why her children couldn’t do some of the chores and why they let their mom do it all. I know it is the mother’s task to be in charge of the household stuff, but really now… their situation is a bit too much.

My own mother brought me up doing chores. I’m pretty lazy most of the time and don’t do any, I must admit, especially since we have the house help to do most of the chores, but when she - our own house help - goes home, I help out. I can’t see why my cousins can’t do the same.

All three of them don’t know the workings around their own home. They don’t even know how to cook. I remember one time that both our moms were out and they had no rice, I had to cook it for them coz both our house helpers weren’t there either.

Parang napaka-helpless nila when it comes to these things. And what irritates me is that they don’t seem to want to learn. I worry for them. What’ll happen to them when they finally have their own families? Will they depend on their house help for everything? What if they can’t find any house helpers, who’ll do it for them? They have to learn, is what I think.

The problem is that their own mother doesn’t seem to want to teach them house work. She doesn’t let them help out and would rather have our own house help do the job instead of her children. Okay, so she was brought up in a family where children didn’t have to do chores, and the house helpers did everything for them, but man, get real. Things have changed! Considering their family is now in financial straits, I doubt they should be having three house helpers to do the chores. It would save them more money if she’d let her children help out. And I think it’ll be beneficial for those kids if they do so as well.

But of course it’s not my place to tell my aunt this, and I come off as rude whenever I suggest this to my mom. Ah well…

***

What a stupid way to die. I’m referring to Miko Sotto’s death. Didn’t even know that guy existed until I heard the news today that he died.

His death just reaffirms for me everyone’s mortality. Life is so fragile. So easily ended by an accident, a natural calamity, or even by our own hands; how utterly tragic life is…

***
Btw, Seika-chan, here are the lyrics for Journey, one of the songs from At The Dolphin Bay. Only realized now that it has a religious context, was thinking too much on the circumstances in the series that I didn’t notice it kaagad heheh ^^0


Journey - Angela Zhang

It's a long long journey
Till I know where I'm supposed to be
It's a long long journey
And I don't know if I can believe
When shadows fall and block my eyes
I am lost and know that I must hide
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you

Many days I've spent
Drifting on through empty shores
Wondering what's my purpose
Wondering how to make me strong

I know I will falter I know I will cry
I know you'll be standing by my side
It's a long long journey
And I need to be close to you

Sometimes it feels no one understands
I don't even know why
I do the things I do
When pride builds me up till I can't see my soul
Will you break down these walls and pull me through?

Cause It's a long long journey
Till I feel that I am worth the price
You paid for me on Calvary
Beneath those stormy skies

When Satan mocks and friends turn to foes
It feels like everything is out to make me lose control
It's a long long journey
Till I find my way home to you. to you



You are cute and wispy! A very sexy, semi-normal
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